Instead of concentrating on studying for my final exam that is in TWO days (oh, finance, why can’t we be friends!), I have decided to ponder upon how I’ve become close friends with people.
For most good friends I’ve made, there has always been a context, be it in a dance, school, work, whatever environment. Befriending them sort of seemed like such a natural process in those environments, because we share that one common ground, that common interest. (Is it just me, or is it really hard to just become good friends with a friend’s friend?) We meet, we share laughter and conversation, then share more laughter and conversation, to eventually establish that we enjoy each other’s presence. This type of friendship, although pleasant, does not seem to evolve outside of the original context. In other words, although theses friends have great significance in life, it is rare to see them outside the original environment in which we have met and to do other things together.
However, with a bit of magic (wait – I will explain what I mean by magic), these “contextual” friendships can be carried out of the original environment. At one point, you are so comfortable with a few of these friends that you will start wanting to do things with them outside of that original context. Now here is my question: how to create that magic?
The magic (turning point of an evolving friendship) is what would answer the following questions:
– At which point do you have to urge to want to see people just because you want to see them, and not because you can?
– What pushes you to then take the initiative and create “excuses” to see those people?
So far, this is magic to me, because I can’t explain any of it. Fortunately enough, I have very close friends. I am not just wondering how can I bring many of my other relationships to the next step. So many people matter to me, but it’s not always easy to express it. They say you can count the amount of meaningful friends you have on your 10 fingers. I honestly wouldn’t mind having to start using my toes to count!
Please enlighten me, friends, on how to be a better and more awesome friend to you!
Perhaps it’s a bit difficult to force your way into a different aspect of someone else’s life… but sometimes, as you get to know someone better, you find out that someone else fits in your life in a way you didn’t expect. Assuming you want them in that other spot as well, that’s a great chance to work your magic.
I find it’s difficult to get to know someone better if I only meet them in group situations, which is the case with a lot of the social interactions we have. So it’s the challenge of making enough invitations for a meal, a coffee, or dessert that can make the difference.
Recently a friend of mine, new to town, asked to have dinner with me. Over the next few weeks, she asked a few other people so she could get to know them. What I noticed is that people who want to get together with you will find the time.
Why a meal? Everyone eats. And everyone is pretty much as good as everyone else at eating. Unlike sports or other activities where you may find yourself on uneven ground. But still, to start, you have to ask.
As people get settled into their lifestyle, they find it harder and harder to break out of the cycle and share time with you. The closer your other interests, the better chance you’ll have of finding other things to do.
One side effect of this is during vacations, the lifestyle restrictions are gone. The people you meet all seem to be totally awesome. But as soon as real life comes back, it’s incredibly hard for either person to maintain that level of shared time.
So why don’t people find to try common ground more often? Aside from rejection, sometimes, we realize there is truly little common ground between two people. When that happens, it’s even harder maintaining the original friendship because it feels like no matter how hard you try to reach out for their hand, you were never headed towards each other in the first place.
Over time though, if you try, you may find that many people will end up much further away than you ever expected, and some people will end up much closer than you could ever imagine. It’s like trading a bucket of casual friendships for a couple really good tried and true ones.
I don’t think there is a better or worse, right or wrong, to the mix of friendships you have at any point. What is for sure is that at different points in our lives, certain combinations work better than others… and it’s only you who can decide when to waving the magic wand.
Sometimes out of need, sometimes just because you can. And sometimes, for whatever reason, you honestly just can’t.
Perhaps it’s because we only have so much emotional care, and a limited amount of time. Assuming we have 100 points of friendship attention to share, a close friend may take 20-40 points, while a friend may take 5, and an acquantance 0.5. When we allocate all 100 points, we probably forgot to allocate a few points to ourselves. On the other hand, when you have points-a-plenty left over, you’re apt to feel lonely. (And just to be clear, the number of points does not directly relate to the quality of friendship, just the quantity of attention you’re giving.)
I think a careful balance ensures you take care of others, and that others in turn take care of you. This is after all, a social society isn’t it? But we can’t pretend we have a 150 points when we only have 100…. because if you do, inevitably you borrowed the points away from another friend, and you might not even realize who and when it happened. You might not even realize it was a loan, and never give it back.
So there’s a balance… and I think my balance is a little off right now, but I’m working to adjust it. Slowly… :)
But to make sure we don’t go too far off the deep end… I found this quote:
“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
I like it because it reminds us what we expect from our closest friends… and it reminds me of what happens when we forget.
I think you’re insane, that’s a good start ;-)
Yup… Doesn’t answer your question at all :-)